On Worth

This is something that’s been on my mind for a while.

Lately, I’ve been in this weird space of observing how we live our lives on a constant quest to prove ourselves worthy. Worthy of being befriended, worthy of being married to, worthy of being appreciated or cared for or taken seriously.

I’ve been job hunting for the past four or five months, and I’ve realized that with every application I fill out, with every cover letter I write and each assessment I finish, in a way I’m asking my potential employers to decide that I’m worth employing. Every single time I hit “send”, I’m asking to be accepted. Asking to be validated as a worker and as an asset. Literally, human capital.

I’m still new to all of this, so maybe everyone else has already figured these things out. But I’m just realizing how much work I have to do internally. I get discouraged very easily, and I don’t handle rejection or disappointment very well. I won’t lash out, but I will often lash in. And sometimes, that’s worse.

Society is constantly giving us reasons why we shouldn’t feel like we’re enough. Every rejection, every breakup, every bad review has the potential to make us doubt our worth. It’s possible to rise above it, but it isn’t easy.

This is heavy stuff. I’d like for us to be more honest about that, instead of just posting unhelpful platitudes and shaming people for not having stronger armor. It is, indeed, a cold world. For some of us down South, it’s colder than it’s ever been, literally.

For me, meditation has been extremely helpful for navigating these feelings. The idea that sitting still and breathing — just breathing for awhile — is worth doing… that’s transformative. Sitting and doing “nothing” doesn’t take away from my worth as a person, and that means that being productive doesn’t inherently add to it.

Whether I’m employed or unemployed, writing or daydreaming, creating or sitting in a quiet space and simply feeling the rhythm of my heart, my worth does not change. I exist in the world and I belong here. Knowing that, even when I don’t necessarily feel it, helps me keep going.

These aren’t fully fleshed-out thoughts. Just figured I’d hop on here and share what’s in my brain. Until next time, keep breathing.

-D.