To Empty Oneself in the Dark

“The minds of men so often yearn for might and power, and their thoughts are constantly being drawn to such things, as if by their attainment all mysteries would be resolved.”

Soren Kierkegaard, Philosophical Fragments

This post is a few days later than I’d wanted it to be. Once again, I’m logging on with a topic that I didn’t intend to write about.

A few days ago, I completed a project I hoped would be good enough to score me a job. These things are never guaranteed, as I’m constantly learning, but I had hope and I still do. The thing bothering me, though, is how long it took.

I spent a few days trying to get this project just right… picking the best wording, wrestling with the sequence of events, double and triple-checking everything to make sure it was “perfect”. It really was exhausting work. This post is so late in the week in part because I was tired of staring at my laptop screen. This project took a lot out of me.

And the wildest part? It may have all been for nothing.

What does it mean to pour yourself into something that you might not even see the benefits of? What does it mean to approach an uncertain opportunity or situation with your whole heart, knowing all the while that you could end up with empty hands?

Everything comes with risks, but sometimes the risks feel overwhelming. I’ve approached so many situations this year with my whole heart, only to feel like I got nothing back. I understand that that’s never completely true, but sometimes moral victories don’t seem like victories at all.

Hopefully I won’t end up feeling like my time was wasted. Regardless, I know it will not have been. And in the meantime, I’ll continue to take the occasional plunge into the unknown, eyes squeezed shut, daring to believe in what I can’t yet name.

Breathing in and out, then thriving in and out. That’s the goal.

Until next time.

-D.

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