When Health Feels Bad
If there is anything morbid in your processes, just remember that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself of foreign matter; so one must just help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and break out with it, for that is its progress."
Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Tonight, I'm thinking about how the immune system works, and how often we feel at our worst while our bodies are doing their best to help us stay alive. There's a lesson in that.
The other day, I got my Covid-19 vaccine. I was grateful for the opportunity to get it, and I was prepared for the side effects that I would likely experience. Or, at least, I thought I was prepared. I think a part of me held out hope that I would be one of the few people who didn't experience any symptoms after receiving the shot.
I wasn't so lucky. Not even close.
I got my shot at about 10-ish in the morning. By nightfall, I was shaking uncontrollably with chills, a low-grade fever, and a monstrous headache. Much of the early morning hours are a haze for me, as I kept waking up every half-hour, sometimes freezing, sometimes burning up, always miserable with some random song stuck in my head and having all of the symptoms of a bad cold except for the actual "having a cold" part.
A few days removed from my shot, I feel a lot better. It's great to be able to be productive after days of not being able to do anything but lie in bed and sleep the tremors away. But the entire time I was "sick", I decided to do some research on the human immune system -- specifically, what happens to our bodies when we're vaccinated. Although I knew some of it already, I needed some encouragement through the haze, some reason to cheer my system on even while it seemed to be intent on destroying me.
There are so many intricate processes that make up the immune system, and I'm not a scientist nor an expert, so I won't detail them all here. But if you don't know, basically a vaccine tricks your body into thinking it's coming into contact with the real virus you're being vaccinated against, so it begins to fight the fake "virus" like it's the real thing. Then later, if/when you come into contact with the true virus, your immune system remembers what it did to fight the fake one, and it protects you against the danger, usually without you even experiencing symptoms.
All of this is fascinating, of course. But while you're experiencing the "trial run", it almost feels like you're being punished, not protected.
How much of our everyday lives are like this, though? I know I've had moments in my life that made me feel literally sick, though I had no virus or infection. Hell, I'm having some of those moments now. There are things in my actual life that I'm, frankly, pissed about. I'm often confused and disappointed and nauseous just thinking about how certain things have played out, and yet -- I don't know the full story. I don't know how everything ends yet. And I'm at least grateful that I won't be defenseless against the next illness.
How many bad situations have I been protected from, all while feeling like I was being rejected? How many times have I shaken my fist at the sky, begging life to stop bullying me and just let me win for once?
I can almost imagine the soft, exasperated response: "I'm trying to keep you safe... you'll see one day. This is the trial run."
I only have questions here. No answers. I just think that the immune system is absolutely fascinating, and since everything in the universe is inherently connected... I think maybe there are systems out there protecting us from viruses that aren't exactly airborne or even physical. I hope we can take a break from shivering and sleeping to thank those systems for looking out for us, even if their way of loving us makes us feel sick sometimes.
Keep breathing, my friends.
-D.